angrypatrick.com

    Brought into the world by the unlikely mating of a steroid-induced trapeze artist named Helga and contract assassin known only as Lettuce, Patrick learned the art of anger from an early age. Patrick first discovered rage at only a few days old when he realized that his mother’s use of steroids eliminated all possibility of breast feeding. There was no milk for Patrick. He was raised on a formula that consisted of kool-aid, anabolic steroids and thumbtacks.       

School days proved to be no less enraging. Patrick was suspended on his first day of elementary school when a classmate, not aware of the danger, made a joke about Patrick’s momma. It is rumored that the classmate still wets his pants to this day when he hears the name Patrick or sees a pack of Now and Laters.      

A small bit of fortune came Patrick’s way in Junior High when the football coach witnessed him unleashing his fury on a classmate who took the last Pepsi Clear in the machine. How Patrick loved the Pepsi Clear. (Many have suspected, although unproven, that it was Patrick who released a grizzly bear on the Pepsi Corp Management team shortly after Pepsi Clear was discontinued.) Seeing his unbridled rage, the coach gave Patrick a spot on the football team as a tackle and he broke every state record in his first season.  Records like, most felony arrests for use of a weapon on the field, most expletives used in a quarter and most band girls fondled on a sideline still stand today.      

After much counseling, adult life began to improve and Patrick actually held jobs that did not require an orange jumpsuit or picking up highway litter for the first time in his life. He met a nice girl, had a few kids and settled down ….until the internet was born. The overload of stupidity reported on a daily basis began to eat away at the short lived serenity he had found and those comfortable old angry feelings began to come back.  Thanks to his incredibly intelligent wife, he began displaying his angry rants in public for all to witness and a crazy thing happened….people liked it.